Caught between siblings who resent their parents for a 'terrible' childhood and parents trying to make amends, the author seeks advice. Eleanor explains why such family disputes are intractable and offers strategies to set boundaries and maintain relationships without taking sides.
The article addresses a letter from an individual caught in a bitter family dispute. The letter writer's siblings are furious with their parents, recounting a childhood marred by an absent father and a manipulative mother, while the writer remembers a loving home and feels their siblings are ungrateful, especially as the parents are now trying to reconcile. The writer feels caught in the middle and unsure how to act. Eleanor, the advice columnist, explains that such family disagreements often stem from the belief that 'one person must be wrong,' even though both sides feel they are stating objective truth. She identifies key areas of intractable conflict: whether to judge parents by their efforts or actions, focusing on past pain versus current reconciliation, and the very right to evaluate parents. Eleanor advises the letter writer to avoid becoming a middleman by using 'broken record' phrases. To siblings, the writer should say, 'I’m not asking you to forgive them, I’m just asking you to allow that I feel differently.' To parents, the phrase should be, 'I love you, I don’t want to be the adjudicator.' By consistently refusing to take sides or pass messages, the writer can become a 'dead-end' for conflict. The ultimate goal is to acknowledge that everyone sees a part of the complex family truth and that it's possible to maintain relationships by allowing different interpretations and weightings of past events, rather than disputing the events themselves.
